BEWARE THE BAD BOGEYMEN!

Happy Halloween, boys and girls, moms and dads! Because it's that spooky time of year, and there are lots of witches, goblins, and bogeymen out there, I thought I had better warn you about some of the worst ones. After all, I want you to enjoy only treats this Halloween, and not have to experience any bad tricks. So here are some of the biggest, baddest, bogeymen I know...


This first bogeyman is a mean one. He, John Boehner, never has a kind word to say about the President, and he loves big corporations and campaign donors far more than regular people. He wants to hold you and the rest of the country tight to keep anyone from moving forward even an inch. He is evidently scared petrified of the real world, judging from the amount of time he spends in the tanning booth. He doesn't care how many people go bankrupt paying medical bills, so long as the health insurance companies, pharmaceutical giants, and he are all making lots of money. This is a ghoul to avoid following at all costs.



Next is CNN's Lou Dobbs. This guy is a real sneaky bogeyman who can fool you with his many masks. One is his populist mask, which he wears when he wants to make you think he really cares about workers and poor people. While wearing it he claims to be pro-labor, but he constantly criticizes liberals, progressives, and other strong pro-labor groups like the Southern Poverty Law Center, which he absolutely hates. His "independent" mask belies the fact that he is a closet Republican who features a heavy dose of conservative Republican and right of center Democrats on his show, proving his conservative bias. Look out for this spooky bogeyman: you'll never know which mask he'll be wearing.



Stephen Helmsley is this nasty bogeyman's name, and his title is CEO of United Health Group, one of the country's largest health insurance companies. He is so rich he makes more than DOUBLE IN ONE HOUR what the average American worker makes in an entire YEAR. How did he get so rich? By taking your money in as premium payments and then either not paying your claims, or by booting you off your policies once your medical treatment becomes too expensive. Republicans like this bogeyman and want to protect him from government regulation. Republicans are bogeymen too.



Here is Karen Ignagni, the wicked witch of the east. She doesn't care if you are sick and can't afford health care because she's too busy making sure the health insurance companies stay healthy making lots of money, and even lies to Congress with made-up horror stories about single-payer health care so that Congress will vote against health care reform. She faithfully does the bidding of evil men like the one above.


Now here is an especially nasty bogeyman to look out for: Bill O'Reilly. This is a very angry man who likes to shout people down. He makes up a lot of what he shouts about. If he doesn't like you, he'll send out other bogeymen and goblins called Fox producers, cameramen, and soundmen to stalk and try to embarrass or intimidate you. (He sends those others out because he's too cowardly to follow you around himself).



Now this is a REALLY mean and scary bogeyman! His name is DICK Cheney, and he doesn't listen to ANYBODY because he thinks he's always right. He likes to start wars because he's afraid of the rest of the world and because giving non-bid military contracts to his rich business friends makes them even richer. He lies like a rug, and many believe him to be Satan's best friend. VERY scary!


This is Rush Limbaugh, and he just might be the meanest and nastiest bogeyman on this whole page! You can hear him yelling from the radio all the time, but you won't want to, because all he ever says are bad things about blacks, football players, liberals, and the President. You can recognize him by the slurps and gasps and growls he makes, and by the stinky smell coming out of your radio. He is a bogeyman to avoid at all costs!



This bad and scary bogeyman believes things that aren't at all true and then tries to scare you with them and make you believe in them too. He tells mean lies about the President. His name is Glenn Beck and he will scream at you and rant and rave and sometimes even cry from the TV set. But his crying is fake, so don't believe it for a minute. He is crazy, so look out for him, and stay away from him for sure, just like a lot (62) of his former advertisers now do!


This might be the scariest one of all, especially for you kids. She's Michelle Malkin of Fox "News". If she thinks you ever got government assistance because you were sick, or if she doesn't like you, she'll publish your name and address so other bad bogeymen can find you and bother you and scare you, too. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!



These are by no means all the witches and bogeymen to watch out for; just some of the worst. There are many, many more, so be careful...


COMING SOON: "A PROGRESSIVE MANIFESTO"