SANTA'S BOZOS FOR 2009

Poor Santa---he's had a really tough year. It doesn't look like there'll be a lot of ho-ho-hoing in store THIS Christmas! First, he found that a conservative free trade agreement had transferred some of his plant and half of his elves over to China, but the production quota for his North Pole plant had remained the same, so now he had to do more with less. Next, he learned that the big Wall Street bank he had always dealt with wasn't lending him any money this year, which further squeezed him. Then, when he started reviewing this year's prospects for his Bozo Of The Year award (clowns whose outrageous statements or acts are deserving of universal guffaws and ridicule), he was amazed and almost totally overcome. For there was SO much dishonesty and SO much stupidity pouring out of these candidates, it was nearly impossible for him to decide which one deserved the Grand Prize. Just like last year, when disgraced egomaniac and former Democratic Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich won the award, this season there also seemed to be a bumper crop of Bozos. After a great deal of sweat, anxiety, and deep consideration, Santa finally decided to list the group for 2009 in this fasion:


DISHONORABLE MENTION: Several candidates just irritated Santa and wasted his time by having little or no real value to offer the world. Among these were the big Wall Street Bankers (who drove our economy to the edge of a cliff, were bailed out by all of us, then gave themselves huge bonuses but wouldn't even give Santa a loan [Santa knows they're hopeless cases anyway]); Democratic Senators Max Baucus (MT), who has attempted to water down and delay passage of a meaningful health care reform bill and also tried to get President Obama to appoint his live-in girlfriend as a U.S. Attorney (DEFINITE Bozo moves); Ben Nelson (NE), who has done all he can to delay passage of a health care bill; Evan Bayh (IN), whose wife sits on the board of health insurance giant WellPoint, and who, amazingly enough, opposes a public option on health care reform; and "Independent" Joe LIEberman (Aetna) who represents the health insurance giant Aetna but resides officially in Connecticut and caucuses with the Democrats (on everything BUT defense and health care) mainly so he can have a committee chairmanship. Santa is so bugged by these Bozos he isn't even adding them to his list, and will simply drop stink bombs down their chimneys this year.

Santa had no trouble putting THIS Bozo, Rush Limbaugh, on his list for 2009. In fact, he's gotten so used to seeing and hearing Limbaugh's crazy rants, he almost overlooked him! Ol' blabberbreath Limbaugh spoke at a gathering of conservatives during the summer and showed he doesn't know the Declaration of Independence from the Constitution. Even before that, he stated on his radio show that he wanted President Obama to fail. Now THAT'S patriotism! He also compared NFL players to black gang members, and then attempted to become part owner of the NFL's St. Louis Rams franchise. So here he is again, an undeniable and recurrent Bozo! Santa's gift to Limbaugh this year will be a daily Ex-Lax milkshake, because he knows ol' Rushie boy is FULL of it, and he definitely wants to see him cleaned out good!

Santa didn't hesitate too long to add money-hungry and AAD (Attention-Addiction-Disorder) Bozo Sarah Palin to this year's list, just as he had no trouble doing so last year. Her motor mouth is still running in overdrive, and judging from passages he has seen in, and from reactions others have had to, her newly released, ghostwritten coloring - er - comic - er - "tell all" book, it should soon be headed straight for the fiction shelves, if not the trash can. And some believe this person is qualified to be PRESIDENT? A woman who can't even write her own book? (Oh well---Dubya never wrote one either. Now THAT'S a scary thought)! For her present this year, Santa is giving Palin a long overdue reading tutor, as it appears that is something she has never had. It also explains why she, supposedly a journalism major, couldn't write her own book, and knows next to nothing about practically anything, as numerous interviews have proven. Good for Santa---he has a lot more patience with self-obsessed people like her than I do!

This sourpuss Bozo is Liz Cheney, daughter of the former Vice President, and who is as equally paranoid and irrational as her dad. Like father, like daughter, as they say. All she can do is parrot her papa, tell crazy stories, and constantly criticize the President. This purveyor of paranoia doesn't have a sweet bone in her body, so Santa and the elves have begun to call her "Lime." Santa's gift to her this year will be a big cookie loaded with alum, which he hopes will cause her mouth to pucker up so much that she won't be able to spout out any more nonsense for a long while.

Embittered and paranoid old coot Dick Cheney has earned a spot on Santa's list of Bozos for 2009 due to his arrogance, dishonesty, and sour disposition. This Bozo is SO sour, in fact, that Santa and the elves have taken to calling him "Lemon" to go along with his equally sour daughter "Lime." Cheney has been on a months-long diatribe about how President Obama is incorrectly handling all aspects of foreign policy and is projecting American weakness to her foes. But isn't that exactly what "Lemon" does himself when he constantly undercuts the President? By making foolish public pronouncements as he did only hours before a major Afghanistan war speech President Obama gave this past week, didn't "Lemon" attempt to politically weaken the President and therefore fuel Al Qaeda's flames? Santa was SO displeased at this action taken by "Lemon" that his gift to Cheney this year will be a box of chocolates and a muzzle: the candy to sweeten him up, and the muzzle to SHUT him up!

This Bozo, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio, is as phony as his sprayed-on tan and faked outrage over the President's economic Stimulus Package. His sole agenda is to oppose and discredit the President on EVERYTHING, no matter what repercussions it has for the country. Last spring, he loudly claimed to have a new GOP Stimulus Bill in hand, but the book he was waving for the cameras was BLANK, and the plan he eventually produced contained only generalities, more tax cuts for the rich, and no expenditure figures. He also claimed to have a GOP health care reform plan but never produced one. He stated that people across the country strongly oppose a Public Option for health care, when in fact all national polls have consistently shown strong SUPPORT for it. He chided the President for flying overseas to try to obtain a summer Olympics for the U.S. and the city of Chicago (a move which would have netted that city many jobs and the city AND our country many MILLIONS OF DOLLARS). Then it was revealed that Boehner had attended numerous golf junkets over the past year totaling more than $82,000, which were paid for with leftover campaign funds. This, of course, created NO jobs and netted very little benefit for anybody but Boehner. This would seem to qualify as a whopping, bona-fide Boehner boner, wouldn't it? Folks, this guy is about as real as the tooth fairy. Santa's present to him this year will be a lie detector kit, which he hopes Boehner will use on HIMSELF every day!

Now's here's a genuine, 100% Bozo: soon-to-be FORMER South Carolina Republican Governor Mark Sanford. This arrogant clown thought he could leave the country for a hot little affair with an Argentine national and be gone for days at a time without telling anybody, and without checking in with his aides and associates, so he was unable to be reached in the event of a state emergency. To top it off, it appears that state funds may have been used in some of these trysts! An aide tried to cover up for him during his absence by saying that the Governor was out "hiking the old Appalachian trail", but nobody bought that. Santa's present for him this year will be the gift of impeachment. Nice job, Bozo Sanford.

Minnesota Republican 6th District Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, a PERENNIAL Bozo, easily made it on Santa's Bozo list again this year by once more babbling nonstop insanities. Early in the year she wailed that the President was trying to do away with rich people. Next,she exhorted Minnesotans to take up arms in rebellion against President Obama's proposed tax hikes on the wealthy, and to come to the Capitol for a big protest against federal spending. For her active calls for insurrection, and to help curb the torrents of vile stuff constantly pouring from her mouth, Santa's gift to Rep. Bachmann this year will be a case - no - a truckload - of Immodium AD.

Second runner-up for this year's Bozo is Republican Illinois Representative Mark Kirk. This Bozo, at the height of our economic problems earlier this year, when we needed to borrow billions to help invigorate the sick economy Kirk and his conservative Republican cohorts had helped stall, went to China and told high-ranking Chinese government officials, the largest holders of our national debt and our biggest lenders, that he didn't think we'd ever be in a position to pay down our debt to them and that we were bad risks anyway. Santa could hardly believe his eyes and ears, so now next time Rep. Kirk shows up at a bank for an auto loan or home mortgage, Santa has pledged to be there to let the loan officers know that Kirk is both a Bozo AND a deadbeat!

This year's runner up for Bozo Of The year is Fox News's one and only Glenn Beck. Having found a way to offend nearly EVERYBODY this past year with his insane accusations, outright lies, and manufacturing of wingnut anti-government revolts, Beck became the only TV show host in the history of the medium to lose more than 80 sponsors for making the blantantly racist claim that President Obama is himself a racist who "hates white culture." This, of course, makes Beck not only an outright idiot, but a definite Bozo as well.


THAT'S IT FOR THE LOSERS, FOLKS. NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, HERE HE IS---SANTA'S NO. 1 BOZO AND THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER OF THE BOZO OF THE YEAR AWARD FOR 2009:
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RICHARD HEENE! This clown, in an effort to land his own TV reality show, planned and executed an elaborately-faked scheme to make the world think his young son "Falcon" was trapped in a hot air balloon that broke loose from its moorings and was floating away. He knew, of course, that the boy was perfectly safe and at home asleep in the attic. (FALCON? And the other son named RYO? Is Heene trying to outdo the Palins for weird kid names? These names PROVE he's a Bozo)! The overly ambitious Heene had even composed and recorded a theme song for his hoped-for show in advance! But worst of all, he put on big crocodile tears for the media after he had supposedly "found" the boy safe at home, and had previously even coached the boy to puke at will out of feigned nervousness for the cameras over the "ordeal". The guy sure gave it a lot of thought and went to a lot of advance preparation for this grandiose fraudulent scheme! But he never considered the tax dollars he was wasting by tying up police, fire, and rescue workers in a search for a boy who wasn't in a balloon and wasn't lost in the first place. So, deservedly, instead of landing a TV show contract for his little attention-getting prank, all he crash-landed was a jail sentence. Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a REAL Bozo, and that makes him Santa's Grand Prize winner of Bozo Of The Year for 2009. His reward? Santa will stop by his jail cell on Christmas Eve and leave him a stale, dried-out, garlic-drenched buscuit for having wasted everybody's time and money!


That does it for this year's award, folks. After dropping presents off at YOUR house on Christmas Eve, Santa and his reindeer will head back up to the North Pole to begin the arduous task of making next year's batch of presents, and reviewing the next group of Bozos for his 2010 award. Sigh...the tasks just never seem to end. Hopefully, by next year, the banks will be lending again to small businessmen like Santa, and he'll be able to hire a few new elves. Until then,

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, PEACE, and Happy New Year, everybody!