HAD THE FIRST THANKSGIVING BEEN THIS YEAR...

...it may not have happened at all! If the early Native Americans were to have had any of today's modern conservative Republicans in their ranks, it might have instead gone something like this:

Chief Cheney, upon seeing the colonists' first boat heading toward Plymouth Rock, would have gone into hiding. He would have directed Brave Rumsfeld to assemble a group of warriors to fling arrows and spears at the settlers once they got in range. OR, he would have had Brave Loudobbs erect a tall barrier to make it impossible to land or come ashore. OR, once these settlers DID land, he may have summoned the elders for a special tribal meeting which would have gone something like this:

CHIEF CHENEY: There are strangers among us. We must discredit them immediately!

CHIEF BOEHNER: Don't worry, sir. Brave Cantor and I are already on it!

CHIEF CHENEY: We need more than a damn parrot to stop these illegal aliens! Braves Limbaugh and Bexk, what are your suggestions?

BRAVES LIMBAUGH AND BECK (in unison): We will tell all our people how these palefaces will behead people on the beach and are coming to infect us with wild stories about global warming. We will even say they will try to force us to circumsize every male child!

CHIEF CHENEY: Aaaarrrgghh---my heart! You mustn't frighten me that way, braves! Say whatever you want to our people, though---the bigger and scarier the lie, the better! Sqauw Palin, what would YOU recommend?

SQUAW PALIN: I would say, I can see Russia from my teepee! And as soon as they touch our land, we should gather them up and put them in a stockade! Then we should feed them lots of free range, free market corn syrup and fatten them up before we scalp them!

Chief McConnell then hurriedly adds: That will take too long and eat up too much of our corn. We would have to borrow heap big amount of corn, and then we would have nothing left for future braves and squaws! Let me send smoke signal to Chief Issa, who is far off to the right!

The council of elders pauses as Chief McConnell sends and receives his messages...


CHIEF McCONNELL: Chief Issa say as soon as they land, he will surround them and tie them up. Then we will force them to answer many questions. With ongoing probe and inquiry like that, they will not have time to unload their boat and all their provisions will rot and decay. I agree with Chief Issa that this is good strategy!

CHIEF CHENEY: Excellent! With Braves Limbaugh and Beck telling tall tales about these palefaces to our people, and with Chiefs Issa and McConnell making it impossible for them to get anything done, that beach will soon be totally ours again! Begone with all of ye now! Begin with your tasks! And make sure of one important point...

THE ENTIRE GROUP: What is that, Chief Cheney?


CHIEF CHENEY: Don't ANY of you feed them even one damn thing!
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And so it might have been, had there been teabaggers and conservative Republicans among the Native American population when the first set of Pilgrims touched down at Plymouth Rock, or had the actual first Thanksgiving been THIS year instead of back in the 17th Century. Thankfully, the real Native Americans back then showed far more civility and heart than the far-right, free market reactionaries which plague this country today! These kind and benevolent people exhibited true Christianity without even knowing what Christianity is, and certainly more Christianity than the hordes of white Europeans who later descended on this continent and eventually engaged in mass genocide against these kindly and civilized indigenous peoples of North America.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I hope you will indeed be thankful for what you have, and that you will examine your consciences, remember how the actual first Thanksgiving dinner DID come about, and then ask yourself if YOUR attitude toward immigrants today is as kind as was that of the Native Americans back then!